How to Survive: The Zombie Apocalypse
by grandiloquentCaecity
Summary: Featuring the cast of Hetalia! This week on How to Survive, learn some useful tips to surviving the zombie apocalypse! Complete with real life scenarios! Warning- watching of this show does not ensure survival in the event of an actual zombie apocalypse.


**I was watching this video on youtube when I had this idea and, well, it was too good to resist. I realize that I use that excuse a lot for my stories, but whatever.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia and some of my friends did help come up with these bits of useful advice (Anyone else find it weird just how knowledgeable we are about what to do?)**

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_How to survive- The Zombie Apocalypse_

_Brought to you by: The cast of Hetalia_

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Welcome to How to survive- The Zombie Apocalypse and I am your host, Elizaveta Héderváry.

Now, as many of you are quite aware of, this show exists to teach you- the viewer- how to survive many situations in life from the mundane to the near impossible. But as they say, better safe than sorry.

For today's episode, we shall be showing you the most useful tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse, complete with real life scenarios. Now, sit back, enjoy, and learn how to survive- The Zombie Apocalypse.

-.-

_Tip one: Do not pet the zombies._

_The way that zombies spread their infectious virus is through bites, and as any one who has had any experience with any animal of any sort knows, petting a hungry, irritated creature is just asking for it. _

"Alfred, what the hell are you doing, you bloody git!" Arthur demanded. He had turned around only to see his partner reaching down, almost as if he wanted to _pet _one of those accursed zombies. Alfred looked sheepishly up at him.

"Sorry Arthur, but they just looked so cute!" Alfred replied, indicating to one of mindless drones in front of them.

"Cute! CUTE! In what definition of the word are these god forsaken things considered cute!" Arthur spazzed, clearly outraged.

"I think someone is a bit cranky." Alfred replied, wiggling his finger at Arthur, "I mean, look at them. They're harmless!" Alfred reached down once again to pet the zombie, only to have his arm pulled back at the last second by Arthur just as the zombie clamped its mouth around the space that Alfred's hand had occupied a moment before.

"Harmless! If it weren't for me, you would be a zombie right now!" Arthur fumed, shooting the zombie right in the center of the forehead, "And if you turned into a zombie, you know that I would have to shoot you. And I really don't want to shoot you."

"Aww," Alfred cooed, a mischievous grin on his face as he shot yet another zombie right through the eye, "Would someone miss me?"

"N-no!" Arthur shouted, his face flushing a bit, "I just don't want to face this damned apocalypse by myself! Now let's go!" He grabbed Alfred's arm and surged forward, mowing a path through the zombies with the sub-machine gun he had strapped to his back.

_As you can see, petting the zombies is highly unadvised unless you want to be bitten. So, unless you are a stupid idiot like Alfred, avoid direct contact with anyone infected with the zombie virus at all costs._

_-.-_

_Tip two: Do _not_ use a flamethrower. _

_Now, some of you may be a bit confused by this one. I mean, if you have a group of zombies following you, why not set them on fire and watch them burn? Well, it's simple. What is worse than having a blood thirsty zombie chasing you? That's right, having a _flaming _blood thirsty zombie chasing you. _

"Denmark, quick! They're catching up!" Norway yelled as he and Denmark ran from the horde of zombies chasing them.

"On it!" The Dane yelled, shoving his large ax into Norway's hands before pulling out a large, black weapon.

"What is that?" Norway asked warily, because you never knew what you were going to get with Denmark.

"A flamethrower!" Denmark yelled cheerily. Norway's eyes widened in horror as he realized the implications of this.

"No, wait, sto-!" He tried, but it was too late.

"You idiot!" He yelled as he and Denmark ran from the horde of _flaming _zombies chasing them.

_Poor Denmark and Norway. Looks like they learned the hard way not to use a flamethrower. They're gonna have a lot of trouble losing those now. But lucky for all you, you know beforehand not to use a flamethrower. _

_-.-_

_Tip three: Find a good melee weapon before looking for a gun. Your gun can run out of bullets, but you can always use a melee weapon. _

Tears streamed down Raivis's face as he shot zombie after zombie as he and his friends stood in the middle of a seemingly never ending stream of zombies. Then, the steady bang of his gun became a pathetic click click click. A look of horror dawned on his face when he realized what that meant. "I'm out of bullets!" He cried to his companions.

"Me too!" Eduard replied, putting down his own ammo-less gun.

"I'm almost out, too!" Toris said, shooting down a couple of zombies with his remaining bullets.

"What are we going to do!" Raivis cried as the zombies got nearer.

"Let me through, da?" Came a new voice as Ivan stepped forward, a bloody pipe in hand. He bashed in the heads of a couple zombies before the others realized what they should do. Toris looked down at the shot gun in his hand, balancing it as if testing its weight before bashing in a zombie head of his own with it. Well? It wasn't going to do him any other good, so why not?

_See! Melee weapons are always handy! That's why I carry a frying pan with me everywhere! It's the ultimate weapon, like a sword and shield in one convenient package! Maybe people will believe me now..._

_-.-_

_Tip four:Find a tall brick building that can be easily defended. _

_Staying alive in a zombie apocalypse is much easier if you can keep the zombies from getting to you in the first place. And an easily defended brick building is just the place to keep them away!_

Kiku peered over the window sill down at the zombies in front of the building from his position on the fifth floor. He pulled out his hunting rifle and made a few well aimed shots, allowing himself a small smirk of satisfaction as a good number of the zombies fell. He took a few more shots before pulling back into the room to reload.

"Thank god we found this building, aru. I doubt we would have survived this long without it." Yao said, reloading his own rifle. Kiku silently nodded in agreement. The third person in the room looked down at the gun in his own hand before addressing his friends;

"You know, rifles originated in Ko-"

"Yong Soo! This is NOT the time for that aru!" Yao yelled as he whipped around to shoot down even more zombies. Yong Soo pouted as he followed suit. Kiku just shook his head at his companions antics as he emptied his rifle once more. They really were fortunate to have found that abandoned office building which provided just the right vantage point for shooting down zombies. With it, they just might have a chance of surviving this war.

_An defensible base is essential to surviving the apocalypse and you should all try to find one as soon as you possible can in the even of the zombie apocalypse. _

_-.-_

_Tip five: Always have a weapon. Just because it's fallen doesn't mean it's dead. _

_Zombies don't feel pain. Or fear. And most bodily injuries don't hinder them in the least. So just because it may fall down doesn't mean it's out for the count. Always make sure a zombie is truly dead before moving on. _

"Gyaaah!" Feliciano shrieked as he shot the advancing zombie. It feel to the ground with a thud, a bullet hole right through it's chest. The Italian opened his eyes a crack to see what had happened before he opened them all the way and cheered, "I killed it! I killed it!"

"Good job." Ludwig nodded gravely as he shot is own zombie.

"No it isn't, you idiot!" Lovino yelled as the zombie Feliciano shot began to stir. Lovino shot it in the head before it had a chance to get up.

"Now now, Lovi. You know your brother isn't as... prepared for this sort of thing as the rest of us are." Antonio chastised.

"Well soooreee! I just don't want to die because this idiot isn't capable of killing a zombie right!" Lovino fumed, reloading a round of shells into his shotgun.

"I'm sorry _fratello_!" Feliciano cried, trying to fling his arms around his brother who shoved him off.

"Don't hug me! Shoot them!"

_You can never be positive that a zombie is dead unless you kill it just right, so never assume its dead. Maybe brave souls have lost their lives because of this foolish mistake. Don't be like them and make sure all of your zombies are dead. _

_-.-_

_Tip six: Aim for the head._

_This is by far the most important piece of advice I can give you. Aside from blowing them to smithereens, shooting a zombie in the head is the only way to assure that they are dead. Not the heart, not the neck. The head. _

"Why. Won't. This. Fucking. Thing. Die!" Gilbert yelled as he shot a zombie repeatedly in the chest. It continued to advance under the Prussian's rain of bullets.

"Because you have to shoot it in the head, you idiot!" Vash yelled as he expertly shot a zombie in the center of the forehead. Instant kill.

"Yes Gilbert, you need to shoot them in the head." Roderich repeated mockingly as he took down his own zombie.

"Shut up you two!" Gilbert said, "Francis! Get over here and help me!"

"I'm afraid not, my friend." The Frenchman replied, "I'm too busy shooting zombie heads!"

"Not you, too!"

_Aim for the head. It always works. Simple as that. And if it doesn't. Well, sorry, but you're screwed. _

_-.-_

I hope that those important tips have greatly increased your chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse. Other various tips include avoid cities, stick together, travel by day, sleep by night, stock up on food, gas, ammo, and weapons, always have a doctor, kill anyone who gets bitten, and a hunting rifle is a mans best friend. As long as you keep this in mind, maybe you can survive the zombie apocalypse.

Now, if you will excuse me, there is a horde of zombies outside my door just asking to be killed.

-click of a shotgun being pumped-

_Fin_

-.-

**Well, there you all have it. Now you know how to survive the zombie apocalypse. Gosh, that was fun to write!**

**Oh, and I'm thinking of making How to Survive a new mini series, so if any of you have any other scenarios you want to see depicted, just ask me and I very well may do it!**

**Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my story and please review!**


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